OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
