her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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