i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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