Got a toothbrush?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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