I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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