Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
