I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
