i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
