I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
