Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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