omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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