My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
