I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
