A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
