Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize