I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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