This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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