hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
