My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
