my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
