Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
