i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
