Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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