my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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