my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
