Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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