life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
