We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
