I hate your face
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
How naked do you want me to be?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
