Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize