so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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