if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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