He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You dont lie about slip and slides
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
