hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
