The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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