she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
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When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
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You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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