i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
