I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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