I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Sober January is a disaster.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
