Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
