I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
