he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
