I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
