I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
