i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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