Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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