Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
