I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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