Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
