Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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