who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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