Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
