Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
3 2 1 whiskey
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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