i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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