took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
